i’m just feeling really, all-around shit today. it’s partly because i couldn’t sleep last night so i was laying in bed until the small hours of the morning, getting dangerously philosophical and realising that my life doesn’t mean shit. POOR FORM, MEL’S EMOTIONS. 

i’m actually really tempted to have a massive bitch about being alone and not having any friends and having no one to sleep with etc. but i can’t do that, because the truth is that i spent this evening eating birthday cake and drinking baileys on a beach with two of my best friends. and yet, somehow i still feel really empty. 

i don’t know if it’s that i’m still unaccustomed to being single, or whether i’ve somehow outgrown my old friends, but i just feel like i’m not ‘clicking’ with anyone at the moment. and maybe it’s just your regular, garden-variety loneliness, but god it’s awful. 

i’m not really that unhappy, overall - or maybe it’s just that i know that i’m in a content-enough place to not really have anything to be unhappy about - but i’m still really discontented somehow. i haven’t been sleeping very well lately, and apart from making me feel like crap during the day, it’s really getting to me mentally. normally i fall asleep stressing a little bit about somewhat unimportant things, or fantasising about the person i have a crush on, or looking forward to enjoyable things i have planned for the future. but these days i fall asleep after hours of agonisingly feeling sorry for myself and being angry at people who probably don’t deserve it. 

anyway, unrealistically long post, the point of which is to say that i feel really lonely and i don’t know how to fix it. hanging out with people who i thought i was good friends with doesn’t seem to be helping. i feel like maybe i need to meet some new people, people who i really feel like myself with, who appreciate me for me, but i just don’t know how to do that.