"One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via fawun)
"How can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? But you’ll never meet them. All right, so we do the best we can. Granted. But we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter."
Charles Bukowski (via dealll)
I need your help.
There’s this guy. And I really like him. Like, I really like him. And he really likes me back. And yet for some reason I am just incredibly hesitant.
Because he says he likes me, but what if it’s some big ruse? Because seriously, who would like me? And he’s just so nice…. Like sometimes I get panicky and weird and he’ll just sit there looking at me with a tiny smile until I calm down and he can give me a hug. And today we were talking and I told him I was having some trouble staying calm and he asked what I meant, and I said I wanted to maybe run away (we were at his place) or cry, except obviously I didn’t actually want to do those things. And he told me that if I needed to cry then he would be more than happy to let me do that. Like jesus christ.
I do not like having feelings. I really do not like it. I feel so vulnerable and I don’t know why. We were sitting there on the couch today just looking at each other and I desperately wanted to reach over and touch him, or just hold him, and I wouldn’t let myself. Because I don’t want to open myself up to all of the scary things that might happen if I admit how big my feelings are and we actually do this thing.
I don’t know why I am so scared. I don’t like being vulnerable; I like taking care of myself, I like not having to worry about pleasing other people. I am scared that being with someone will mean that they then develop certain expectations of me, and then I won’t be able to meet those expectations - or maybe just that I don’t want to feel the stress of having to live up to someone’s expectations or deal with their disappointment when I don’t - and they will be upset, or dissatisfied, or stop liking me. I am not good at being someone that a guy would want to date. I don’t do pretty and skinny and funny; I am complex and selfish and I eat too much and I refuse to live my life to satisfy anybody else. So I guess what I’m worried about is that someone will expect things of me that I’m not okay with, but that I will try to meet those expectations because I love that person and I don’t want to disappoint them? And that’s just compromising who I am.
So I guess ultimately it can be summed up pretty easily: I am scared of getting hurt. I don’t know why, but I feel as if maybe letting someone know how you feel about them - how much you feel for them - is somehow giving up all the power. Because when they know that you like them, they can hurt you. It’s a weak spot. Feelings are a weak spot and I’ve tried so hard for so long to avoid ever having them, but here I am, unable to stop myself having them, and in the process probably sabotaging what could actually be a really excellent thing.
And it’s still so scary that I want to run away.
And I don’t know what to do.
this is kind of a serious question: why do i fall for guys who clearly don’t like me back - guys who are, generally, arseholes - and why, when i’ve fallen for them, is it so damned hard to get over them?
even when they treat me like shit
(which is always) all i want to do it take care of them and cook them food and wean them off their drug habits and make them feel happy and self-confident again.
one year ago today, a guy i work with started a rumour that i was pregnant. it spread like wildfire, as gossip does in my workplace, and actually kind of kick-started relations between a certain somebody and myself.
long story short it’s been a really weird year and sometimes i kind of wish none of it had ever happened. we used to not talk because we didn’t know each other and didn’t care; now we don’t talk because we kind of can’t stand one another. i had a particularly bad day at work today and i think it’s just tiredness and PMS but maybe it’s time to get a new job, for real.
i also saw the mother of another certain someone, and she was lovely as usual, and it made me sad because i just want to be close to them both, because they’re great, but it’s never going to happen and the missed opportunity makes me sad.
now i am going to go eat, and then sleep, and then get up and do it all again tomorrow.
self-centred musings on relationships
i love life.
i love it for its hilarity and its pain and its contradictions and the way that it can surprise you, just when you thought you had seen and heard it all.
"What does love feel like? When holding her as tight as you can still isn’t close enough."
Zara Toppin, i-D Magazine
i am feeling good tonight. not ecstatic, but content. i went to the pub at the urging of a couple of my friends, and a whole bunch of people ended up being there.
i can pretty well say that i still have feelings for the guy that i’ve had feelings for for the last six months or whatever. but even though he doesn’t have them back - never has, never will - i’m okay with where we’re at, i think. his first reaction to seeing me was to say ‘sup’ and give me a hug. that was pretty cute. him being cute is problematic, because it’s what makes me love him, but on the other hand i know it would be worse if he wasn’t kind to me. so i’m okay. and maybe if i keep telling myself that i’m okay, it will become true :)
in other news, my friend won bingo, and i had a good chat to a guy i haven’t seen in ages. things are looking up :)