— Charles Bukowski (via dealll)
I need your help.
There’s this guy. And I really like him. Like, I really like him. And he really likes me back. And yet for some reason I am just incredibly hesitant.
Because he says he likes me, but what if it’s some big ruse? Because seriously, who would like me? And he’s just so nice…. Like sometimes I get panicky and weird and he’ll just sit there looking at me with a tiny smile until I calm down and he can give me a hug. And today we were talking and I told him I was having some trouble staying calm and he asked what I meant, and I said I wanted to maybe run away (we were at his place) or cry, except obviously I didn’t actually want to do those things. And he told me that if I needed to cry then he would be more than happy to let me do that. Like jesus christ.
I do not like having feelings. I really do not like it. I feel so vulnerable and I don’t know why. We were sitting there on the couch today just looking at each other and I desperately wanted to reach over and touch him, or just hold him, and I wouldn’t let myself. Because I don’t want to open myself up to all of the scary things that might happen if I admit how big my feelings are and we actually do this thing.
I don’t know why I am so scared. I don’t like being vulnerable; I like taking care of myself, I like not having to worry about pleasing other people. I am scared that being with someone will mean that they then develop certain expectations of me, and then I won’t be able to meet those expectations - or maybe just that I don’t want to feel the stress of having to live up to someone’s expectations or deal with their disappointment when I don’t - and they will be upset, or dissatisfied, or stop liking me. I am not good at being someone that a guy would want to date. I don’t do pretty and skinny and funny; I am complex and selfish and I eat too much and I refuse to live my life to satisfy anybody else. So I guess what I’m worried about is that someone will expect things of me that I’m not okay with, but that I will try to meet those expectations because I love that person and I don’t want to disappoint them? And that’s just compromising who I am.
So I guess ultimately it can be summed up pretty easily: I am scared of getting hurt. I don’t know why, but I feel as if maybe letting someone know how you feel about them - how much you feel for them - is somehow giving up all the power. Because when they know that you like them, they can hurt you. It’s a weak spot. Feelings are a weak spot and I’ve tried so hard for so long to avoid ever having them, but here I am, unable to stop myself having them, and in the process probably sabotaging what could actually be a really excellent thing.
And it’s still so scary that I want to run away.
And I don’t know what to do.
this is kind of a serious question: why do i fall for guys who clearly don’t like me back - guys who are, generally, arseholes - and why, when i’ve fallen for them, is it so damned hard to get over them?
even when they treat me like shit
(which is always) all i want to do it take care of them and cook them food and wean them off their drug habits and make them feel happy and self-confident again.
one year ago today, a guy i work with started a rumour that i was pregnant. it spread like wildfire, as gossip does in my workplace, and actually kind of kick-started relations between a certain somebody and myself.
long story short it’s been a really weird year and sometimes i kind of wish none of it had ever happened. we used to not talk because we didn’t know each other and didn’t care; now we don’t talk because we kind of can’t stand one another. i had a particularly bad day at work today and i think it’s just tiredness and PMS but maybe it’s time to get a new job, for real.
i also saw the mother of another certain someone, and she was lovely as usual, and it made me sad because i just want to be close to them both, because they’re great, but it’s never going to happen and the missed opportunity makes me sad.
now i am going to go eat, and then sleep, and then get up and do it all again tomorrow.
i love it for its hilarity and its pain and its contradictions and the way that it can surprise you, just when you thought you had seen and heard it all.
— Zara Toppin, i-D Magazine
i am feeling good tonight. not ecstatic, but content. i went to the pub at the urging of a couple of my friends, and a whole bunch of people ended up being there.
i can pretty well say that i still have feelings for the guy that i’ve had feelings for for the last six months or whatever. but even though he doesn’t have them back - never has, never will - i’m okay with where we’re at, i think. his first reaction to seeing me was to say ‘sup’ and give me a hug. that was pretty cute. him being cute is problematic, because it’s what makes me love him, but on the other hand i know it would be worse if he wasn’t kind to me. so i’m okay. and maybe if i keep telling myself that i’m okay, it will become true :)
in other news, my friend won bingo, and i had a good chat to a guy i haven’t seen in ages. things are looking up :)