so

i’ll graduate at the end of this year into an industry that is shrinking 

i have little to no experience in my field/s of interest so given the tough competition from other graduates for a tiny number of grad positions, i’m unlikely to get a job 

meanwhile the government increases the amount of money i have to pay to see a doctor, tightens eligibility restrictions for unemployment benefits etc 

the world environment is falling apart because people love money more than they care about global warming and environmental degradation 

housing prices are so high its likely i’ll never own a house but will still spend a ridiculous percentage of my income on rent 

and to even get a chance to experience all of the foregoing misery i still have to make it through this semester, for which 80% of my assessment across my four units is going to take place in a two-week period in October (and it totals something like 16,000 words) 

i don’t mind working hard, but sometimes (i.e. weeks like these) i feel like even if i was putting in double the effort i am right now, i would still be set up for failure in six or 12 months time 

some of the adults i know literally got jobs by walking down to their local business district and asking shopfronts what was available at that time 

no experience, no resume, no interview, none of it. 

now i need a five-year degree with honours, a graduate diploma, two internships, a clerkship, four+ years of volunteering experience and a recommendation from a fucking SC just to get a call-back 

and up to 80% of job vacancies aren’t advertised and are simply filled on a who-you-know basis, so it effectively doesn’t matter how great my resume-drafting skills are, or even the skills i actually have that are detailed in that resume, i still can’t get a fucking job cos i don’t find out that they exist

the idea that unemployed people can get a job if they’re just ‘dedicated’ and ‘diligent’ and ‘perseverant’ enough is so abhorrent it makes me want to puke 

graduate employment levels are at their lowest for the last twenty years or something 

like you can’t seriously tell me that people who spent three, four, five years of their lives and literally tens of thousands of dollars getting uni degrees can’t find full-time employment because they’re not trying hard enough. get fucked. 

but this is the world i’m living in. fan-fucking-tastic. 

ugh i hate everything today 

got my car registration renewal in the mail, which was fine, i wasn’t expecting it so early but i have five weeks to pay it so no worries. but enclosed with my renewal notice (i.e. a demand that i pay $600 to the government) was an advertisement for custom car numberplates. which pissed me off enormously, so i posted on twitter about it, and then got even more pissed off having an argument with two guys on twitter who defended the advertising, which somehow turned into one of them telling me i should join the labor party. i could write a whole blog post on the wrongness of sending out advertising with government communications but suffice it to say i got angry. 

then i went to school and talked to a guy who i’m kinda friends with and he went on about how transgender people are just mentally ill and how it’s in the DSM so it must be true, and he could go around telling people that he’s Napoleon and people would just ignore it but he could go around saying he’s actually a woman and everyone would have to accept that that is true??? and i didn’t get into it with him cos we’ve had arguments before and he is even more stubborn and pig-headed than i am but i was just like, how can an otherwise intelligent person be so bigoted??? 

and then on my way home, in the dark & pouring rain i.e. pretty dangerous driving conditions, an idiot taxi driver decided it wasn’t necessary to give way to me even though he was legally obliged to do so, and it was fine because i partly expected him to do it so like no accident happened or anything like that but i beeped my horn and he beeped his back and i was just like seriously??? you’re going to do the driving equivalent of yelling at me because i had a vague expectation that you would obey the road rules??? well silly fucking me. 

okay rant over. soz all. 

I’ve got a cold or the flu or something and my throat is so sore and scratchy I’m pretty sure the pitch of my voice has gone down a full octave 

I had to walk out in the middle of a full lecture today because I was coughing so much 

I literally got over my last cold only three weeks ago, this shit is ridiculous 

Tried to do some yoga in the living room.
Bun helped.

ugh i should apply for the thing cos it’s a cool opportunity and i think i’d be quite good at it but of course i’m afraid of applying for the thing because i’m always afraid of putting myself out there and failing or making a fool out of myself. much better to stick with boring routines and what i already know and am comfortable with 

I have an appointment with my psych tomorrow and I literally don’t know what we’re going to talk about. Like she’ll ask me how things are and I’ll be like ‘yeah really good’ and then ????? 

My life is actually going well 
This is basically unprecedented

Imma celebrate by eating cake and drinking wine. 

HAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA I just found out that my job no longer exists 

I am still technically employed but my role in the workplace has been entirely abolished 

Feels great man

With any luck I’ll be *actually* unemployed by the end of this month and then I’ll be a living breathing example of the ignorance and callousness of the current government 

Maybe I’ll have to move back in with my parents (lord knows they’d love that) 

YIEW 

I got my hair cut and it looks GOOD 

But now I am debilitatingly anxious and I have no idea why? Like I feel nervous and tense and I can’t relax and maybe it’s because uni results come out in a few days and I’m not confident but like… Can I plz eat lunch without having anxiety-induced nausea for two hours afterwards? 

Oh and I booked an appointment to get my hair cut, too! I was so productive today. 

Gonna have pretty hair this time tomorrow, so excited ~~ 

Things I achieved today: 

It was a good day. 

Um so Ben Folds is playing in my hometown (population ~200,000) in December which is, in and of itself, a miraculous miracle BUT even better is that I bought tickets this morning so I WILL BE SEEING BEN FOLDS LIVE IN CONCERT BEFORE THIS YEAR IS OUT 

somebody high-five me please 

mjec said: Whut?!? 

Kristof wants to do an honours year, which in Med you do between third and fourth year, and he could do it here but he’s a little swot and thinks it will improve his career prospects if he goes somewhere else to do it, and he found this place in Melbourne that was cool but then he thought, well if he’s going to go to Melbourne anyway, why not pick anywhere else in the world? And we agreed that we’d be okay with living in Germany (nice country) so that’s something that we are currently seriously looking into. I refuse to do a long-distance relationship (I think it would precipitate a very bad depression relapse for me) and we’re not really okay with breaking up so if he goes to Germany (or Melbourne, or wherever else) then I’m going with him. 

Hahaha so now we’re planning on living in Germany for a year? And this has all happened in the space of like two days? I don’t know how to feel 

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brontescribbled said: You could technically be that for yourself. You are the centre of your universe. I can’t make the perfect thing work though. No one’s perfect and you’ll always feel shit if you think you should be. 

you’re right, of course. the post was borne out of frustration, jealousy and insecurity - a desperate need for validation which i can only seem to get from other people, which is of course my entire problem. (it was also intended as tongue-in-cheek; if i want to be the centre of someone’s universe and have them think the sun shines out of my arse, i should just get a dog.) 

it’s not that i want to be perfect or think i should be; i know no one is and i know that i never will be. it’s not that i want someone else to think i’m perfect in the sense that i’m flawless or faultless; it’s more that i want someone who will love me unconditionally, even if i keep on fucking up in the exact same ways i have been for the last 23 years. i want someone who thinks that i’m worth forgiving and that i’m worth sticking around for. right now i feel that i have to constantly ‘prove’ that i am worthy of loving; that i have to compete with everyone else in the world for my share of love and attention and good. and that is very much a problem with my own brain and a problem with my own self-esteem - but that doesn’t make feeling like i’m not good enough, and will never be good enough, hurt any less right now.