i bought my boyfriend a thing for his birthday but it’s so kitschy i’m not sure i should actually give it to him! maybe i should just keep it for myself and buy him something different….
fantasising about marrying someone you’ve only been dating for three months is totally normal right? like because it’s still all new and exciting and you haven’t found the things about each other that drive you fucking mental yet and you just wanna have sex all the time and not do anything else except be with them? because you wouldn’t date someone in the first place if you didn’t think there was at least a small chance of a long-term future together but at the same time you know that the chances of you actually being happy spending the rest of your life with someone you met when you were 21 are pretty damn small and the wonderfulness of new love will wear off eventually and then you’ll move on to someone new because that’s how life works? right?
yep uh huh i’m just being a naive lovestruck teenager rejoicing in the fact that someone actually likes me and wants to be with me and totally ignoring the reality of the situation. nothing to see here, people.
tonight at work i saw someone i was totally infatuated with for almost two years, whom i haven’t seen for more than six months.
it was nice to see him; he is thinner than i remember; he dresses better than he used to. but most importantly: i don’t love him anymore. any romantic feelings are just… gone.
it’s sort of an odd feeling, i suppose, but also wonderful.
this afternoon i indulge my most shameful desires: shopping for vintage teapots on etsy and fantasising about moving in with my boyfriend by checking out rental prices on real estate websites.
some things i dreamed last night:
that a guy i used to love, whom i slept with a few times, was suddenly much nicer and trying to woo me away from my current boyfriend. in fact he lived just across the road from my boyfriend’s family (in the dream)and while i was over there, bonding with his young siblings (who also only exist in the dream) he came and hung out with me and was generally nice and friendly and even a little bit apologetic. the overwhelming feeling of the dream seemed to be that i had to ‘choose’ between this guy or my boyfriend, and i didn’t know what i should do.
on a side note, i’ve been having a lot of dreams that have to do with my current boyfriend lately - they tend to either involve me feeling very uneasy about the relationship and thinking that maybe it’s not quite right for me, or me being in some kind of relationship with someone else that doesn’t feel quite right and trying to remember who it is i’m actually supposed to be with.
in the second dream, i was at my old primary school, and there must have been some kind of school fair or similar event going on. David Tennant was there, and he and i had slept together at some point in the recent past, probably more than once. he was terribly sheepish - i think maybe he felt guilty for sleeping with me because he’s married? - and he gave me back a black satin robe that i must have left behind one time. i think the rest of the dream was mostly him trying to avoid me while i followed him around, either to try to ask him what was going on and why he was behaving strangely, or to try to get him to sleep with me again.
dream three involved me being in Canberra for some entirely unknown reason. i might have been there with some friends, and we were backpacking - maybe Canberra was just a stop on the way to somewhere else - and i was sort of wandering around in the city with no apparent destination in mind. i ran into a few people i knew, but they were all very busy heading to various locations and i felt it unnecessary to tag along. i remember going into a bunch of shoe shops, though. i’m not sure what was so significant about the shoe shops.
a couple of nights ago i also had a dream that i was living in some strange dictatorship, slightly Hunger Games-esque, where i was part of an oppressed group. i don’t remember heaps, but i remember having to queue to be able to use a bathroom, though even when you got to the front of the queue it was up to the discretion of a big, burly guard if you actually got to go to the bathroom or not. the big, burly guard demanded sexual favours so i gave him a blowjob. i never got to go to the bathroom, though, because once the blowjob was done they took one of my friends and chained her up in a public gallery and basically conducted a live DBSM porn show on her. in front of everyone.
i just can’t get the image of that out of my head. i need bleach for my brain.
yesterday my boyfriend (who is a med student) suggested that it’s possible that we’ve got glandular fever. i’m pretty sure the symptoms fit but i just really don’t want to have glandular fever. like, as if things weren’t hard enough already. I JUST WANT TO BE HEALTHY
i don’t want to eat breakfast, i want to curl up in a tiny ball and cry for the rest of my life because people are awful and my body doesn’t work properly and i’m going to fail everything because i sleep all the time instead of studying
Stop telling women that we should find ourselves beautiful and that we should love ourselves when you are standing right there, judging us on how our knees look in short skirts and how prominent our boobs are in a sweater and how much makeup we are or are not wearing.
Instead of us working harder on “love your body” and “find your inner beauty”, the rest of the world should be working harder on “stop telling women their bodies are a shameful place to live but that if they’re strong enough, they will learn to embrace that shame.”
This is my body. It’s not “beautiful”. I don’t “love it”. I don’t have to. I don’t have to have any strong feelings about my body. And whatever feelings I do have are not somehow invalid if they’re not glowing reviews."
This shit needs to be said more often.
- mental illness doesnt go away just because you fall in love
- if someone is ill and you want to be in a relationship with them dont expect to cure them
- their disease is not going to disappear so that you can have your happy ending
i finally found an appropriate analogy to describe this.
i’m swimming out in the open ocean. i’ve been there for a long time now and i was a strong swimmer to start with, so mostly i can keep my head above water, but it’s very hard work. things are okay when the water is calm; sometimes i can just float along and it’s all a bit beautiful for a while. but there are storms, too, and sometimes it gets so rough that it looks like i’m not going to make it through.
one day, along comes a ship. this isn’t unprecedented; several ships have passed by in the time i’ve been out here, but the excitement experienced when they come into view quickly dissipates when i realise that they have no intention of helping me. this ship was different, though. this ship threw out a rope, right to me. ‘hold on,’ said the people on the ship, ‘we’ll help you.’ i clung to the rope and slowly they brought me in towards the ship.
one day, the people on the ship stopped pulling and the rope went slack. i was close to the ship, but i was no longer moving. now i’m stuck clinging to this rope, never knowing whether i’ll be pulled in closer to the ship or washed back out into the ocean while those people on the ship forget to secure the rope. sometimes the storms get so bad that i lose sight of the ship for a while; sometimes the weight of the rope makes it even harder to keep my head above the water.
the most difficult thing, though, is the uncertainty that comes from being at the end of the rope, never knowing which direction i could be heading. i thought the ship would save me from drowning, but really it’s just another thing to worry about while i’m trying to tread water.
three-quarters of the way through A Storm of Swords (i was up until 4.30am reading) and i’m pretty sure it ought to be renamed GEORGE RR MARTIN KILLS EVERYONE YOU HAVE EVER CARED ABOUT
The thought that I might have found someone I could possibly spend the rest of my life with is terrifying.
my boyfriend is better than your boyfriend
he went out late last night and bought me noodles and microwave curries because i’m sick and injured and apparently can’t look after myself
and now he is also very ill and i can’t look after him and it makes me sad
i wish i could just crawl into bed with him right now
ugh i’m so over this. talk about emotional rollercoasters. i wish there was something i could rely on in my life, instead of boyfriends who tell you they’re coming over and then don’t and workplace injuries that mean i can’t function properly for months. I LIKE KNOWING WHAT IS GOING ON AT ALL TIMES AND INTO THE FUTURE AND I DO NOT APPRECIATE UNEXPECTED EVENTS, SURPRISES OR LAST MINUTE CHANGES OF PLANS THANK YOU VERY MUCH