is it possible for a habitual porn-user, someone who has been watching maybe several hours of porn per week for the last decade, since they were 11 or 12 years old, to have a normal romantic relationship?
it’s not that i mean to imply that porn users are abnormal, or that using porn is inherently bad; those are entirely different arguments. it’s just that, if we can fairly readily agree that being bombarded with images of skinny, photoshopped models at every turn is bad for the self-esteem of girls and young women, is it possible that regular consumption of images degrading women have an effect on the brain as well?
is it possible to relate to a real woman - to be satisfied with the reality of a flesh-and-blood sexual relationship - when you’ve grown up seeing hundreds, if not thousands, of images of women being choked, strangled, slapped, penetrated in multiple orifices (often simultaneously), and having their faces cum on? or is porn providing young men with a skewed attitude towards women and unrealistic expectations of sex which only serve to set them up for disappointment?
I need your help.
There’s this guy. And I really like him. Like, I really like him. And he really likes me back. And yet for some reason I am just incredibly hesitant.
Because he says he likes me, but what if it’s some big ruse? Because seriously, who would like me? And he’s just so nice…. Like sometimes I get panicky and weird and he’ll just sit there looking at me with a tiny smile until I calm down and he can give me a hug. And today we were talking and I told him I was having some trouble staying calm and he asked what I meant, and I said I wanted to maybe run away (we were at his place) or cry, except obviously I didn’t actually want to do those things. And he told me that if I needed to cry then he would be more than happy to let me do that. Like jesus christ.
I do not like having feelings. I really do not like it. I feel so vulnerable and I don’t know why. We were sitting there on the couch today just looking at each other and I desperately wanted to reach over and touch him, or just hold him, and I wouldn’t let myself. Because I don’t want to open myself up to all of the scary things that might happen if I admit how big my feelings are and we actually do this thing.
I don’t know why I am so scared. I don’t like being vulnerable; I like taking care of myself, I like not having to worry about pleasing other people. I am scared that being with someone will mean that they then develop certain expectations of me, and then I won’t be able to meet those expectations - or maybe just that I don’t want to feel the stress of having to live up to someone’s expectations or deal with their disappointment when I don’t - and they will be upset, or dissatisfied, or stop liking me. I am not good at being someone that a guy would want to date. I don’t do pretty and skinny and funny; I am complex and selfish and I eat too much and I refuse to live my life to satisfy anybody else. So I guess what I’m worried about is that someone will expect things of me that I’m not okay with, but that I will try to meet those expectations because I love that person and I don’t want to disappoint them? And that’s just compromising who I am.
So I guess ultimately it can be summed up pretty easily: I am scared of getting hurt. I don’t know why, but I feel as if maybe letting someone know how you feel about them - how much you feel for them - is somehow giving up all the power. Because when they know that you like them, they can hurt you. It’s a weak spot. Feelings are a weak spot and I’ve tried so hard for so long to avoid ever having them, but here I am, unable to stop myself having them, and in the process probably sabotaging what could actually be a really excellent thing.
And it’s still so scary that I want to run away.
And I don’t know what to do.
this past week has been a weird one for me. i don’t really know how to talk about it, or even if i should be talking about it, but i’m going to try a little bit because it’s making me feel weird. if people involved read this (and they will), well, i’m sorry.
i hate, hate hate hate, this whole talking to someone new thing. i don’t want to say “flirting” because i flirt meaninglessly all the time. i mean the little dance you do with someone new who might be interested in you who you might be interested in.
i mean, i’m not pretty, so people don’t make moves on me very often. but when they do, i always manage to screw it up. i mean, you’re meant to be friendly, but not too friendly because then you seem desperate or overeager which is a *total* turn-off. and be smiley and laugh but not too much because if you’re too loud or whatever then you’re a slut or an attention seeker or high maintenance or just too out there. and you have to talk to them and be interesting, but don’t be smarter than them and by GOD don’t talk too much because then they get bored or intimidated or you’re not stroking their ego enough or some shit. and be girly, because men don’t want to date another man, but don’t be TOO girly because girly girls are super annoying and whiney and can’t take care of themselves.
but if you’re guarded or shy or less than chipper then you’re too much goddamn effort so forget about that too.
and then they tell you to ‘just be yourself’ or some shit? like i never thought of that? people don’t LIKE me when i’m “being myself” so please give me some better advice thanks. except when you’re not being yourself you’re being “fake” and everyone hates people that are fake so excuse me when i say i’m going to be alone for the rest of my life because i really don’t see any other alternative.
this is kind of a serious question: why do i fall for guys who clearly don’t like me back - guys who are, generally, arseholes - and why, when i’ve fallen for them, is it so damned hard to get over them?
even when they treat me like shit
(which is always) all i want to do it take care of them and cook them food and wean them off their drug habits and make them feel happy and self-confident again.
to people who tell me i need a boyfriend:
no. i do not “need” a boyfriend. i need food, water, a warm dry place to sleep at night and occasional medical care. i do not need to conform to your standards about the appropriate way to express my sexuality or conduct my romantic attachments.
i need to start spending time with people who treat me with the respect i deserve. i need to concentrate on doing well at uni.
i need to be happy. do not assume that you know how to make that happen.
self-centred musings on relationships
so don’t freak out but…
i think i might be ready to have a relationship again.
obviously there is not a particular person who i’m *actually* thinking about having a relationship with, but it’s just occurred to me recently that i could cope with it now. i’ve been so determined for most of this year to not date anyone because i wasn’t ready for a relationship and i couldn’t deal with emotions and fidelity and the like and i’d just fuck whoever it was over. but now i am fixed again. it’s kind of a nice feeling.
I Love Infidelity Dreams
Last night in my dream, my boyfriend kissed one of my drunk high school friends at a party, then got naked with his ex-girlfriend. My dream self forgave him.
Fuck my subconscious.