every time the thought pops into my head, “oh god i miss him so much” i have to check myself. no, i don’t miss him. i miss what he gave me. i miss flirting and kissing and watching excellent movies together and physical intimacy and feeling wanted. but i know that i don’t miss him, because every time i miss those things i picture a different person in my head.
i deactivated my facebook account last night.
i’m not saying that to be all indie and alternative and ‘look at me i’m way too cool for facebook’. the reason i did it is because i’m sick of constantly being reminded that i’m a nobody. i’m sick of being reminded that people i am supposed to like and be friends with are shallow narcissistic arseholes. so i’m taking a break from the newsfeed for a while.
you know what else i did last night? i hurt myself deliberately. i was at a house party and i was alone in the kitchen and i picked up a kitchen knife and i cut my arm. it hurt, and it didn’t bleed very much, and i’m not saying this for sympathy (lord knows i won’t get any anyway): i’m saying it because it’s a watershed in my life and i need to record it somehow. don’t get me wrong: i get the urge to do that all the time. i just don’t ever act on it. i’ve deliberately hurt myself before, but it’s always been emotional hurt, not physical.
i don’t know why i was so upset last night; maybe it was PMS or maybe i just drank too much too quickly or maybe i’m just having one of those weeks. i cried for hours and couldn’t stop and it made me feel like i was being ripped apart from the inside.
i am sick of not fitting in anywhere. i don’t know how to explain it well, but i feel as though i am not hot enough for guys to hit on, but i am not cool enough for them to bother paying attention to me for any other reason. so somehow i inhabit this gap between ‘hot girl to have sex with’ and ‘bro’ (where bro is someone you have a real, actual friendship with and are loyal to and the like). for a while there i was approaching bro status - as much as any girl can - but i have regressed back to just being a distant friend who people talk to while slightly inebriated at parties.
i am so sick of living in a world where women have to be attractive to actually be considered human beings. but that’s a catch-22 as well, because if you are an attractive woman, then people will notice you: but probably only as a sex object. when i’m talking to my guy friends and i mention a female friend of mine whose name they don’t recognise, the first question about her isn’t ‘what does she do with herself?’ or ‘how do you know her?’, it’s ‘is she hot?’
i want to be a human being again.
i keep being all like ‘holy fucking jesus crap why am i so damn tired?’
and then i remember that i got three hours sleep last night and then worked a nine-hour shift today.
i feel so disgusting today.
both in the sense that i feel tired and ill and gross on the inside, and in the sense that i feel like i am disgusting, appearance-wise. i dunno what happened, but suddenly i’m all self-conscious again and i hate the way i look and i feel really fat and my face is so ugly and i just can’t do anything right. fuck.
sitting on the internet in my underwear at 2pm on a Tuesday
partly because the weather is really hot, partly because i am incredibly tired, but mostly because getting used for sex feels more or less the same regardless of how you spin it.
it’s been 2012 for four and a half hours now
and tbh they’ve been pretty much the same as the shitty early morning hours i spent in 2011. i don’t even remember the point where the clock ticked over to midnight; it’s possible i missed it altogether. i’m still pretty drunk.
i dunno. i wanted 2012 to be different but i guess it won’t be. my bad habits are pretty fucking ingrained. right now i’m trying to fend off some guy who is trying to invite himself to my house. he’s okay but i’m just not in the mood right now. what do i even do?
i vomited (that’s what tequila on top of cheap wine will do to you) and i punched a lot of my guy friends for no apparent reason and… why the fuck am i such a cunt?
weird dreams again
i had two last night, although i’m not really sure which came first…
in one of them, my parents invaded my bedroom. i’m not sure why, but i think they were watching tv or something. it was annoying because they came in at like 4am and i had to get up at 6am today, and they were stopping me from sleeping. i was freaking out because i was going to be exhausted for work because i was only going to have had a few hours sleep, but for some reason every time i told mum and dad to get lost they were like ‘don’t worry, we’ll be gone by 5am, it’ll be fine’. so strange.
in the other dream, i was hanging out with some friends in a shopping centre after work and we were sitting at a little table drinking wine. there were lots of people milling about and we got the impression that they wanted us to leave so that they could take our table. one of our friends disappeared briefly to say hi to someone, and a woman and her mother closed in on our table. they stood right next to it, but completely ignored us. then the woman poured some beer into my glass of wine. i took another sip of it, and it was disgusting. the woman asked ‘how is it?’ and in response i threw it on her. in response she tried to throw her drink on me, but i moved out of the way fast enough, then took a drink from a glass of water, threw the rest at her, and ran away.
i left all my things behind at the table when i ran away, and i ended up running to the mall, where some kind of weird parade thing was going on. some other people from work were participating in the parade, which was really weird, and because of it i couldn’t get through, so i had to just stop and watch for a while. i cam to my senses then, and after the parade thing i went back to get my bag and phone and things. on my way there i was intercepted by some other friends, who i told what had happened. i was pretty certain i was going to get fired, because i’d been in my work uniform when it happened and i think the woman had been shopping at work before all this. but my friends talked to me and made me feel a bit better…
I’ve been in Melbourne for the last few days, for the purpose of having Christmas with my family, and this is all the stuff I bought when I was over there.
I didn’t realise how much I’d got until I spread it all out like this. Also, now you know what kind of underwear I wear, and you get to see the bed I sleep in too!!
I hate Christmas. Here’s why:
- the lead-up to Christmas makes work super busy with grumpy customers buying ten times their weight in food that will mostly end up in the rubbish bin, which makes my menial job even more fun than usual.
- it generally involves travelling long distances to be with people I’m related to and don’t get along with. This year I’m going to Melbourne, and I’m terrified of flying. There’s meant to be thunderstorms tomorrow.
I don’t want to die.
- my aunts will get drunk off two glasses of champagne and ask me intrusive questions about my degree and my love life.
- my creepy cousin will ask me in-depth questions about my sex life because he is a pervert.
- it involves spending money on gifts that other people don’t need and probably won’t like.
- it involves receiving gifts from other people which are probably useless and a waste of their money.
- and most of all, I’m an atheist. I don’t want to celebrate Christmas. Christmas is a religious holiday based around some guy who lived ~2000 years ago who I’m not certain actually existed and don’t believe had any special or supernatural traits. My celebrating Christmas when I don’t believe in God is a reflection of how commercialised Christmas had become in the Western world. It feels as wrong to me as if I were celebrating Hanukkah or Ramadan.
ten days left of 2011 and i finally feel like i can end the year satisfied.
today is just one of those days when everything seems okay.
guess who got laid last night?
yep, that would be me.
i guess sometimes life can turn out all right after all.
i know y’all get a lot of ‘what happened last night’ posts from me, but when i say that last night was incredible, i mean it. not incredible in an ‘oh it was soooo good’ way, but incredible in the sense that i’m literally incredulous that what happened, happened. don’t really want to post about it on the internet, but shit went down that i would never in a million years have predicted. i’m reeling a little bit.
a customer complained about me at work today.
i’ll be the first to admit that i’m not the most cheerful or chattiest checkout operator ever, but i’m never rude to someone unless they’re rude to me first. this woman was with her mother, who i was apparently “unfriendly” towards. now, apart from the fact that i was at no stage unfriendly, i was having a coughing fit at the time, which might explain why i was less attentive to the customer than otherwise i would have been. like basically, i couldn’t breathe, but i’m sorry if my explanation of how the EFTPOS machine works wasn’t up to your standards. the woman was basically a crazy bitch - the next two customers explicitly told me that they didn’t know what her problem was and that i probably shouldn’t worry - but it’s kind of a downer. it’s my first ever complaint, and i’ve been working there for more than three years now. ugh.
Things I bought today:
- 2x headphones
- a Christmas present for my sister
- a black leather skirt (not as kinky as it sounds, I promise)
- 3 CDs
- a bra
- a pair of underpants
I’ve really got to stop spending so much money.
so last night i had a highly graphic dream in which i gave someone a blow job. i don’t know who the guy was, or why i was performing oral sex on him, but at least it was consensual. weird because i have literally no practical experience on which to base such a dream.